Whispers From the Labyrinth and Other Voices I Hear

I want to dedicate this blog to my dog, Diesel, my true and loyal friend, who passed away just two days ago. I’m not ready to write about him yet, the loss is just settling in, but he is missed more than I can express. 

This blog also comes with a warning. If you can’t handle profanity or the questioning of the existence of God I would recommend stopping right now. You can always return for my next blog. I have only mildly cleaned up the language here and I am writing it as I experienced it (and it’s really not all that bad).

I’m at the end of my third week of this journey or pilgrimage I’ve embarked upon. It’s amazing what one can truly learn when you show up as a student, keep an open mind and try to be present in every moment of the day. The first week of my journey was amazing and so encouraging that I looked forward to week two, which brought with it a few challenges. Week three has been the most difficult of all with the loss of our beloved dog and other events I didn’t expect along this journey. The following blog is an excerpt from my journal on day twenty of my pilgrimage.

“When the mind is closed, the heart is closed; when the mind is open, the heart is open. So if you want to open your heart, question your thinking.” ~Byron Katie, A Thousand Names for Joy

I set my intention and began walking the labyrinth listening closely for the message. It didn’t come. I walked again. No message. Again I walked as I had before, to the center, pausing, and back out again; then again, slower, then faster. I’m on maybe round eight, and starting to not enjoy myself so much. I’m actually getting irritated, dizzy, and exhausted. God, don’t you know I lost my dog, my true friend last night? I’ve gotten very little sleep, my eyes and head are hurting from crying so much and I’m sad beyond words. Just give me some sort of message. PLEASE!?!?!?!

 

The Voice: Why ask if you aren’t going to act anyway?

 

Me: What?

 

The Voice: I have given you message after valuable message, day after day. You go back in your home and journal each message; take time to meditate on it. And then—you do nothing. You collect messages! You tell me why I should grant another of your endless desires if you are going to do nothing after receiving them.

 

Me: You’re right. I know that. I do that all the time. That’s been my story. (I smile and I giggle to myself and I shut up and listen.) I’ll ask nothing else of you. I will go back and read over all the messages and begin to do the work.

 

I’m persistent though and feel the need to walk just one more time. I stomp my way to the entrance of the labyrinth, hands on hips; attitude in full swing, my best immature stance and tone, and I ask “the voice” just one more time. “If there’s just one thing I need to hear what is it? Where do I begin to act? What is the very first thing I need to do when I finish this walk? All right, I’M WAITING!” (foot tapping, attitude still present).

 

The Voice: Ok, fine! Cheer the f**k up and stop taking life so serious! Be you, have fun and lighten up, damnit. Be the free spirit you know you are!

 

Me: Who is that? Does God talk like that?

 

The Voice: Oh you think you’re talking to God? You’re too much! I thought you hated that word! Of course I talk like that, and so do you…popular belief is that we are all god and god is everywhere and in everything. Why? Are you offended?

 

Me: No. I don’t offend easily.

The Voice: Those hummingbirds that you’re watching and admiring and find so much joy in observing; are they always kind and sweet to each other or do they screech and fight for what they believe to be theirs? Do they play nice together all the time? No, they don’t. They know what they have to do. You admire them. You wish for the same type of freedom, but do you really notice them? Do you know they work hard for what they desire: food, drink, shelter, and a mate?

 

 

Me: I do see that, but you’re right. I‘m not truly paying attention or being present. My mind is closed and filled with judgment. Their life seems so carefree and easy to me. But when I really watch closely I notice they never know if their home will be there tomorrow or if a human or a windstorm will remove it, along with its young family, without a second thought. They don’t even consider it not being there tomorrow and the what-if’s and if-only’s. They just rebuild and start over if that happens; no complaining, no blaming. They don’t sit around and think, “Geez, I picked the wrong gutter or branch this time. These humans are so mean. Life is unfair. I’m going to complain to someone in power, and have him or her take care of this for me. No, they rebuild, find a sturdy tree and begin again with a fresh start. They do not know where they will eat today, but never doubt they will. They just get up and expect to go find a way and they do.

 

The Voice: Be like the bird. Know what you desire, then act on that desire. If it gets torn down, or destroyed, rebuild. Start fresh and act on your new desire or find a better way to rebuild and make the old desire work. Continue this always until your work is done. Have a neutral mind, one that is open to all that is possible. An open mind is an open heart.

 

Me: (Smile)

 

The Voice: Then when you’re Trying to Express speak from your heart, know your truth and stand proud in it. Be yourself. Everyone has a different purpose and lesson in this human body. Know that sometimes there are no words, or no words are necessary, and other times the message is clear and needs to be heard. The voice yells, screams and tries in whatever way it can to get your attention. Sometimes it whispers so you have to listen closer. Listen damnit!!

 

Me: I‘M LISTENING! (just a little attitude remaining)

 

The Voice: If you were listening you’d be acting. So what are you waiting for?

 

Me: I don’t know; maybe someone to be this clear.

 

The Voice: It’s up to you.

 

I smiled and walked the labyrinth a few more times, asking nothing.

 

Today: Operation Action—Day f***ing one. (borrowed from Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love with my own twist)

 

Just me once again, Trying to Express

It’s All About the Journey

As I make my slow pilgrimage through the world, a certain sense of beautiful mystery seems to gather and grow. ~A.C. Benson 

For many centuries people have embarked on sacred journeys, or pilgrimages, to shrines, temples, cathedrals and other holy destinations. In Medieval times priests sent poor people on these sacred journeys telling them they would be closer to securing a place in heaven and saving their souls if they prayed at these holy places, offering gifts to the monks and Lords. Poor people traveled great distances on foot, often finding peace at these places or what they believed to be redemption for their souls.  Wealthy people would pay the poor to go on pilgrimages for them, sure this would also secure their place in Heaven (some things never change).

Today these journeys continue and people spend days, months or years traveling to far off lands to find what is missing in their lives, turn inward, find peace and nurture their souls. Elizabeth Gilbert spent a year doing this and sharing it with us in her book, Eat, Pray, Love. Wayne Dyer spent a year living the Tao, and then shared his interpretation in Living the Wisdom of the Tao, and his experiences and insights in many of his other books and lectures. He also takes people on tours to prearranged destinations to embark on their own personal journeys. He shares these experiences in his lectures from time to time.

Pilgrimages have become popularized again, in our modern times, and have almost been celebrated as something we have to do to really look inward, become enlightened, see who we are and whether we are living the life we have come here to live. It’s a spiritual journey we feel we can only get from walking the holy places on earth. Many people feel they have really missed out on something if they have not embarked upon one of these journeys.

Did you know you can “Google” Pilgrimage tours and find a destination that will best suit your budget, needs and desires? The most common destination seems to be India, but there are many places apparently where we can better “find” our true selves and at special group rates! Common destinations seem to be Greece, Italy, Egypt, and Israel. I was somewhat surprised to see Prague, Ireland, Mexico City and Poland as destination Pilgrimage tours. This has become big business in these days of popular spirituality. And, who are you, anyway, if you haven’t been to Lourdes and Assisi? Before I head down a road to sincere sarcasm here, I want to say I have the utmost respect for people who take pilgrimages, and I have heard some of the most emotionally moving stories from those who have traveled to some of these destinations.

I have also heard some of the most beautiful stories of people connecting with their souls (whatever that means to them) in places nearby their homes, while on a nature hike, a visit to the ocean or mountains, while riding public transportation, or at a local homeless shelter. People have amazing experiences while driving down the freeway, talking to a stranger in line at the grocery store, visiting an assisted living or nursing home, helping someone, or listening to music (which I feel offers more power than given credit). I heard an amazing story from a friend who had a very enlightening experience in the Redwood Forest among the towering giants. You can read about one of my own experiences during a visit to the Rocky Mountains a couple years ago here.

Anyone who knows me or follows me here knows I’m pretty much a hot mess when it comes to figuring out what life is all about or what my purpose is here on earth. I do not live without opinion or judgment. I’ll admit that, while many others will not (yes, I recognize that judgment). I obviously have more questions than answers and I’m quite all right with that. See, when I question, I find insight and it helps push me forward with another question and yet another perspective to consider.

We don’t receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us. ~Proust

Some of my personal experiences that have had the greatest impact on my life and uplifted my soul are those I have spent doing what would seem like the most mundane or ordinary activity. I find the most benefit in creative endeavors such as painting or decorating my home, writing, building my labyrinth and our outdoor space this past summer, and hearing children, or anyone, laugh. For it is in that time where it’s felt like minutes, but turned into hours, that I get lost in the Now. I have freed my mind of thoughts and entered a deep trance-like state, held no judgment and truly found joy.

As the calendar flipped over this year, and I evaluated what I’d like to see improve in my life the answer became clear. It was simply everything. Yes, everything. So, I have joined the popular wave of current thought, and am embarking on a Pilgrimage. Of course this is my own pilgrimage with a twist, and I have no gurus, monks, chosen teachers or leaders, except my own heart. I am following my heart. Scary, indeed! I haven’t always listened to my heart so this should be interesting. My heart is speaking. I am listening. My thoughts are interrupting (often) and I am trying to observe them without judgment.

“You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.” ~Elizabeth Gilbert

This pilgrimage or journey as I prefer to call it, takes place in my own home, backyard, and community. It will last 90 days, involves daily meditation, a walk through my labyrinth, reading various chosen materials and journaling daily. I am in a state of mindfulness, noticing everything I do with all my senses, and without judgment. Oops, notice judgment above. Ok, trying not to judge. I’m on day 8.

This has been incredibly challenging (yes, I know its only day 8) because I am not a disciplined person. Just knowing that I have these things to do everyday and that I have to be mindfully aware and in the present moment is, well, difficult. I’m not fighting it though, and I can say I look forward to my meditations and even more forward to my labyrinth walks. I am doing things I enjoy and trying to bring more creativity and joy into my life.

I wake up in the morning with a renewed sense of purpose now, looking forward to the day. I don’t generally take the time to think about myself because I have kids who need me, and they get most of my attention. What I’ve discovered so far (yes, in just a week!) is that I am more available for them by being more attentive to myself. It’s all about self-love in the end, I believe.

By sharing this with you, I now have people to hold me accountable, something I don’t generally like so be gentle with me. I’ll be sharing parts of my journey in blogs, although it may be a different location, which I’ll share when I set that up. I hope to see a new, improved me in ninety days. I am inspired and looking forward to the challenge.

“Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it, and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it. You have to participate relentlessly in the manifestations of your own blessings. And once you have achieved a state of happiness, you must never become lax about maintaining it. You must make a mighty effort to keep swimming upward into that happiness forever, to stay afloat on top of it.” ~ Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love

So Everyone Has a Choice?

I’m sitting on the couch (it’s been 4 hours now) watching my daughter, Melissa, lay motionless, her typically rigid, contorted body relaxed and straight, her usual flair for the dramatic, quieted and gone, for now. This is the day after a night of seizures. She is asleep on the floor. She looks so peaceful and relaxed that I almost feel good. It’s a soft space, the carpet and pad extra thick and chosen with her in mind, since this is the place she spends much of her time while at home. I’ve propped a pillow under her head because it seems to be more comfortable in my mind. Melissa has a traumatic brain injury which left her unable to walk, speak, see or make choices for herself. I am her eyes, legs, arms and voice. I am her choices.

“With every experience, you alone are painting your own canvas, thought by thought, choice by choice.” ~Oprah Winfrey

Melissa is not without an opinion. Without any doubt she lets us know when she does not like something that is going on, such as her physical protests to various therapies, refusal to eat certain consistencies of foods, loud gasps when rain falls on her head and rolls down her back, or swinging her arm when someone touches her without warning. She also let’s us know when she is happy; her squeals of delight to certain songs, riding in the van, the smile on her face when she gazes into the bright sun, and her contagious laughter when she hears odd sounds or the dogs barking. But, what about the bigger things? The big decisions in life, such as living arrangements and surgeries, as well as the little things like what to wear or eat today, or how to fix her hair. What about those instincts we all have, the little voice inside that tells us what our heart desires? What about that voice?

“There is a voice inside of you

That whispers all day long,

“I feel that this is right for me,

I know that this is wrong.”

No teacher, preacher, parent, friend

Or wise man can decide

What’s right for you-just listen to

The voice that speaks inside.” ~Shel Silverstein

People will argue that everyone has choices, and even her living with perceived limitations is her choice. Perhaps they are right on a deeper, spiritual level. I don’t know. The human level, where the majority of us live daily, tells me otherwise. People ask, “what is the one thing you would give Melissa if you could?” Some may think I would wish for her muscles to get the message from her brain so she could walk or grasp objects easily, or to take away the horrible scars she wears as a reminder of her injury. Most feel I would give her vision, or any number of things which appear to limit her. But, if I could give her just one thing, it would be a voice; the ability to express herself fully and make her own choices. Most twenty-eight year olds make their own choices, right?

“Understanding that the right to choose your own path is a sacred privilege.  Use it.  Dwell in possibility.” ~Oprah Winfrey

Melissa expresses herself in many other ways. I write about it often. But her choices are limited. Her dad and I make most decisions for her, trying very hard to think about what we feel is in her best interest. And, I think to myself, am I making the choices she would make? Laurie Halse Anderson said, “When people don’t express themselves, they die one piece at a time.” Are there pieces of Melissa which are dying because she is unable to express them? I shudder at the thought.

Melissa has a VNS (vagus nerve stimulator) device implanted in her chest. It operates much like a pacemaker, with leads that wrap around the vagus nerve which then activate electrical impulses at regular intervals to help control seizures. That’s my simplistic description. Her device stopped working months ago due to a dead battery and broken lead wires (this is what we believe to be true with limited ability to know from tests performed). Melissa’s seizures have increased without the device functioning. She has both positive and negative things we “see” happening in it’s absence. There has been a problem getting the hospital to allow the doctor to perform surgery to either remove or replace the device. This battle has just ended with approval and an upcoming surgery.

“Your mind knows only some things. Your inner voice, your instinct, knows everything. If you listen to what you know instinctively, it will always lead you down the right path.” ~Henry Winkler

Meanwhile we fought our own battle trying to decide what to do when, or if, the hospital consented. Do we replace it or remove it? Will this doctor/hospital battle happen again in the future? How does Melissa feel about the decision we (the doctors and her parents) will ultimately make? I have so many questions to ask her. How does it make you feel? Is having the VNS better than not having it? What is your intuition telling you to do? Are you scared? Does it help you? Does it hurt? What is your inner voice telling you? What is the right path to take Melissa? Are you mad that you have no choice about what is going to happen in your own body? Me too.

Just me trying to express once again…

Feeling Grateful for Friends

“What is a friend? I will tell you. It is a person with whom you dare to be yourself.” ~Frank Crane

As a mother of children with special needs it became obvious to me early on that we were losing friends quickly. As our children got older isolation became a fact of life.  Our older children grew up and went off on their own, and our involvement in the schools, sports, and other activities they were involved in dried up, along with the friendships that came with those things. The empty nest syndrome others talk about is not going to happen in our home, and I began to wonder if I’d ever find a way to meet new friends. I am always grateful to those that have stuck with us through the years! But, I long ago gave up the notion of finding a friend who “got me”, accepted me with all my quirks, faults, and things the rest of the world judged as strange. I’ve been criticized and questioned for the things I do, such as my motives for adopting kids with special needs, having a larger than average family, and numerous other “stuff”. I’ve heard the whispers, gossip and bold remarks made directly to me about my unwillingness to follow what is popular, and listening to my heart even when it seems to make no sense. I’ve been told the things I do are stupid (yes, people actually say those things!). I have always related to Winona Ryder’s character in the movie Beetlejuice who casually announces, “I, myself, am strange and unusual.” I actually like that about me.

Recently I’ve been blessed with a great new friend. She’s not part of the club (you know, the one that you become a member of if you have “those” kind of kids). She didn’t really have any idea what my world was like, but never judged me, and best of all tried to get to know my family and our special needs. She is also a caregiver by nature, although not in the same sense of the word. She is compassionate and kind, warm and caring, but real and human, fun and funny, with quirks of her own (and will admit it). This is the kind of friend I’ve only read about; the one who doesn’t care if you’re fat or thin, what you’re wearing, whether or not you have makeup on, a smile on your face, or your hair pulled up on top of your head in a quickly-thrown-together-hectic-morning-sort-of-way (sorry, I went hyphen crazy for a minute). Perhaps it took me fifty-three years to be comfortable enough with me to spend time with someone so similar, yet, thankfully,  so different. It’s awesome to find someone who I feel so completely comfortable with that I can truly be myself with no fear of judgment. You know who you are, and I want you to know I’m blessed by our friendship. You make the world a better place. Thanks for sharing all the joys and sorrows, laughter and tears, support and encouragement, and all that makes a friend worth having!

Just Trying to Express with gratitude, Pam

Paying It Forward

If you follow me you’ve probably noticed my absence on Facebook. I’ve deactivated my account for now, although I’ve come back for a few days to formally say goodbye. For all the bad things that have been said about social media, and Facebook in particular, I choose to look at it differently. For the most part I have thoroughly enjoyed my time here and met some fabulous people who have inspired, encouraged and uplifted me with their passion and perspectives, others who I have been great teachers, and still others who have become true friends that I otherwise would never have had the opportunity to meet. I am blessed and grateful. For now, I feel the need to “unplug” for awhile and reclaim my life, remember who I am (does that happen to everyone or is it just me?), and spend some quality time with family and loved ones.

I’d like to take the opportunity to “Pay it Forward” and introduce you to just a handful of people I’ve met through Facebook that I feel are worth knowing. Some have become friends, others don’t know I exist, but they’ve deeply impacted my life and I am grateful. This is a short list because of the time it would take to tell you about everyone I‘ve met who has inspired me. I will just give you a short synopsis of their website, blog or book so that you may take the time yourself to check them out and maybe leave them a little note if you’ve been touched by what you’ve read.  There is no particular order and none of them know I am sharing this. It’s simply a few people with a passion for what they do or a message worthy of sharing. They are all Angels on Earth!

1) Courtney Long, Caring For Your Spirit at http://www.caringforyourspirit.com/

Courtney is a Transformational Life Coach and Certified Hypnotherapist and so much more! She is warm and compassionate, honest, open and passionate about helping caregivers learn to care for themselves. Courtney also works closely with the LGBTQ community and helps everyone feel energized and empowered at the end of the day. Courtney is someone who everyone should know. Thanks Courtney for all you do!

2) The Olson Family started The Phoenix-Fund. Their goal is to educate and bring awareness to the epidemic of TBI (traumatic brain injury) so that other families will never experience what they have been through. “Brain Injury is the last thing on your mind until it’s the only thing.” From their website “As a family, we know all too well how life-changing a TBI is to everyone involved, and The Phoenix Fund was created as a result of our own unexpected need to re-invent our lives.” I would not be doing this site justice by trying to put it in my own words. Go to the website, check out their facebook page “The Brain Injury Phoenix Fund” and see how they describe a Phoenix. You’ll never think of it the same again. They are one family trying to make a difference. I’m so grateful to have gotten to know them. http://www.phoenix-fund.org/

3) Philip Dzialo writes a fabulous blog: Healing, Empowering and Thriving . His wife Sharon has written a book From Ceramic to Clay. Philip writes, “On July 24, 1998, our son, Adam Dzialo, nearly drowned. Twenty-five minutes under water at a summer camp when he was 12 years old eventually resulted in a disabled body but produced an indominitable spirit and brilliant soul. Twelve years have passed…we believe our son to be in an active state of healing. We devote our lives to his recovery.” I am attaching the link to one of my favorite blogs of his. There story is one with which I can truly relate, being the mother of a child who had an injury which would be forever life-changing. If you  cannot relate to his story, feel you have nothing in common with this family, I am sharing this particular blog for a reason. This is one of those opportunities to gain a new perspective: http://healingandempowerment.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2011-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-05%3A00&updated-max=2012-01-01T00%3A00%3A00-05%3A00&max-results=48

4) Angels on Earth Healing Ministries

http://www.theangelsonearth.org/  ~“Everyone is an angel to someone.”  I was receiving this newsletter before I knew anything about this organization, the people involved, and their mission.  All I can say is read the explanation  on the homepage of what an Angel on Earth is, and you will know that we have all known one (or many). I love all the compassionate and kind people who make AOEHM possible. Check out their outreach programs and see if you can help. They are currently collecting water for the homeless with different drop off locations around the city. I would be happy to pick up cases from you and deliver them if you are unable to take them to one of the locations. If you are from another city or state consider donating water to an organization in your community that helps the homeless. Summer is an exceptionally difficult time for those living on the streets. I love Angels on Earth Healing Ministries. You’re all true angels!

5) Jennifer Grant http://www.jennifergrant.com/ . I don’t remember how our paths initially crossed but I fell in love with Jennifer’s passion, commitment and calm demeanor. We share a common thread of having a family made up of both children born to us and those who came to be our children through adoption.  Her memoir, Love You More: The Divine Surprise of Adopting My Daughter has been called the “Eat, Pray, Love of parenting books”. I couldn’t agree more. The thing about reading this book is I never want it to end. I want to be her friend, as I’m sure you will too when you read it. This book is the beautiful, yet challenging, story of adopting her daughter from Guatemala, but it’s a story that everyone can relate to on some level. It’s about careers, relationships, and parenting with all the joy and challenges, happiness and struggles. It’s a story of who she is, her compassionate nature, her honest, open, portrayal of how life changes and how we grow into those changes, and her undying faith that all is just as it should be. This book is a must-read for anyone considering adoption, but I feel it’s also a book for every woman, every mother, every parent. I love you Jennifer. I love this book!

6) Denise D. Franczak Johnson started this blog just recently about her journey of caring for her mother who has dementia. It‘s a journal of their experiences and a promise she made a long time ago to never place her mother in a nursing home. Find her blog at http://ajourneywithmom.wordpress.com/ . Denise has been my friend for thirty-seven years and I’ve known her mom for about the same amount of time. Follow along on their journey. I love you both!

7) Trina Hayes http://www.trinahayes.com/ is the author of Just Love Her: A Mother’s Journey of Healing Through Her Daughter’s Drug Addiction. and a newly released book, Attracted to Addicts? It’s YOUR time for Happy, Healthy Relationships. I haven’t yet had the opportunity to read the latter, but her first book was one of those I just couldn’t put down. “Just Love Her is a riveting, inspiring, true-life account of a mother’s journey to heal herself, even as she strives to help her daughter overcome the ravages of drug addiction. It’s a story that is both practical and inspiring….she has walked where parents fear to tread, learning important lessons along the way…This is a love story, one that will inspire and teach far beyond parents and children touched by the ravages of drug addiction.” Trina has been an inspiration to me. She is positive, inspirational and filled with hope, for herself, her daughter and all who have walked similar paths. I love you Trina!

I’m so happy to be writing again and for this opportunity to Pay it Forward to a few people who have inspired me.  You can subscribe to my blog now and receive it in your email, find me on Twitter, and soon I’ll be trying to express on my new website http://trying2express.com/

Blessing, Pam

 

Matters of Importance

With Mother’s Day just around the corner I’d like to dedicate this blog to my mom who is loved and missed more than I can ever express.  Mom, “I love you forever, I love you for always…”

If you’ve ever been faced with a life-threatening or life-changing injury, illness or diagnosis then you know. If you’ve known or loved or lost someone from one of these then you have a pretty good idea.  The answers to almost every question changes. What becomes important and what is trivial? Do you choose to live now, enjoy and appreciate, find gratitude and joy in the little things? Does it matter at that moment if you’re driving a Ford or a Porsche? Does the color of your hair matter as much as the colors of the rainbow? Is it important that you are a few pounds heavier than you’d like to be, or does the weight you carry on your shoulders matter more? Is it of great importance that someone you love has a different taste in music, or is it more important that you’ve kept your music inside you? Does is matter if your hair isn’t perfectly in place or that you haven’t let down your hair to let the wind blow through it? Do the things you own make your life better or does the love of family and friends seem greater? Does it matter if your house is impeccably clean or is it more important that it is filled with love and gratitude? Does it seem worth hanging on to anger or does letting go and forgiving seem the better choice? The things that are important seem so much more obvious when we are facing life changing situations.

Mom was diagnosed with cancer in February 1995 and lived until October of the same year. After the initial shock and disbelief she let go of all the burdens and anger she’d held onto and fought to survive, but not with the fight of a bull. It was a quiet, gentle, silent fight of a lamb; a strong will to see her grandchildren grow up, but also to hold the little ones who were still babies. She never asked for a miracle. In her mind that miracle belonged to someone else. She appreciated the little things in life; her garden which lay just beyond her wall of windows, beautiful music that played in her home, family and friends who visited regularly, and a slow walk in the park alongside the lake. She said it didn’t matter what you did or said as long as it made someone else feel good. She would tell us the things that really mattered people would remember in fifty years. I was at her home once when my aunt was visiting. Aunt Karen was a cancer survivor so she knew what I did not. I was trying to clean the house while they visited and frantically attempting to get other “necessary” things done. Aunt Karen said to come sit down and visit. When I told her to enjoy her visit with Mom while I got these other things done she said, “Pam, you don’t understand. Those things don’t matter. Once you’ve faced death and seen the other side you discover what’s important and what isn’t. What you’re doing is not important. Come visit with us.”

There was so much I didn’t understand about living when you’re dying (and aren’t we all if you think about it?). This was the first time I had become aware of angels; angels sent from above and angels on earth. So many situations presented themselves that could not be interpreted as anything other than a divine presence. During my mother’s final days on earth we gathered as a family in our parent’s home, each of us coming and going through the room she occupied. Hospice sent nurses and caregivers regularly who would help care for her and guide us, her family, through these days. They left pamphlets and reading material that would answer any questions we may have about the “the stages of death” or as her doctor so beautifully put it, “another stage of life”. One of the things that grabbed my attention was a single sentence stating, it is not uncommon to see a dying person calling or reaching out to a deceased family member. We were told to basically humor her and “play along” rather than deny it happened. I can’t buy into the idea that if this happens to enough dying people to be put into their literature that we would “play along” and not believe they were actually speaking to someone on the other side.  My mom’s mother died when Mom was just nine years old. I sat nearby my mom just a few days before she died and she suddenly began talking to her own mother. She called out, “Mommy” in the sweetest little girl’s voice I’d ever heard. Her mother was there. My mom saw her, embraced her, spoke to her and was filled with a child-like joy. One of her very own angels had come to be with her and help her cross over.

We had her bed in the family room of the home facing the outdoors. The back of the house was all windows and overlooked her garden and beautiful yard which she took such loving care of for so many years. The yard had an abundance of large trees, among them a towering old oak. Each of us noticed and finally began asking the others if they saw a bright white and golden light shimmering in that tree. We knew it was an angel watching over her. It was shining brilliantly and remained there until she finally joined the angel and was guided home to the light just a few hours later.

For those who examine their own lives and spend countless hours thinking about what is really important, I challenge you to think again. Does it really take that long to figure out? Most people who have faced death head on, and survived, return with a new appreciation. The messages we hear repeatedly from these folks is how easy it is to feel love, gratitude, and joy. They find the importance of kind words and thoughts, letting down your hair a little, taking chances, enjoying beauty, giving and forgiving, and listening rather than speaking. They don’t find it difficult to believe in miracles and angels on earth and they trust the great mystery of the divine. Let them be our greatest teachers.

“Ever desireless, one can see the mystery; ever desiring, one sees only the manifestations. And the mystery itself is the doorway to all understanding.” ~from The Tao Te Ching

Dear HOA

I promised a third blog on my whining streak and now it hardly seems worth mentioning, but a promise is a promise. I’m not one of those people to hold on to things for too long. Once I write, scream, complain or laugh about it it’s over in my mind. I don’t dislike the duck-clucker any more and I’ve stopped obsessing over the ignorant comment from Ms. Wanna-Piece-of-Me. This blog is just about my Home Owners Association and all meant in fun. I’m not going to explain what got me started on this rant, but instead write a Suess-like poem. Enjoy its foolishness…

Dear HOA

I do not like you H O A,

I do not like the games you play,

My neighbors called you again today,

I’ll send some love over their way.

Your rules I do not think are fair,

I do not like them here or there,

Your notices make me blink and stare,

I do not like them and I ask how you dare?

I promise to follow the rules anyway,

If you will tell my neighbors to stay away,

From the problems they started one fine day,

Before I moved over this way

You see they stole my water feature,

This adorned my yard like a concrete creature

I’m happy now to see it gone away,

Come over and see what I’ve done today.

I’ve installed the yard you requested be done,

The men I hired worked hard in the sun.

They did not treat it like a big deal,

They even trimmed my neighbors for more curb appeal.

Now we’re the darn spiffiest block in this whole HOA,

So leave us alone and please stay away.

I promise to be good and park real nice,

Take my trash can in on time or pay the price.

The car is parked in the right place,

The yard is new per your order to replace,

The fence is fixed, the weeds all gone,

There couldn’t possibly be anything else wrong.

Your notices and warning are unnecessary now,

I have completed the tasks and taken a bow,

What is that you say is in today’s mail?

You’re sending another part of this paper trail?

Take me home to the burbs in my Midwestern town,

Where neighbors took pride all up and down

One block and the other all over and around,

Pride in their families and homes and their ground

But back home it’s cold, cloudy and snows lots of times,

I’ve run out of senseless words for this ridiculous rhyme,

Dear HOA leave me alone now and I’ll be really good

I’m kickin’ back in the sunshine in my new neighborhood!

For the love of all things ridiculous,

~Pam I am

She Clucks Like a Duck

Yesterday was just another day in paradise!  Well, not really, I just said that so you might keep reading on.  I’ve had a lot on my mind lately and torn between really saying what I feel and somewhat shielding folks from the imperfect me.  I decided to carry on since I’m assuming all of you know how to “x” out of this. I’m going to continue this senseless stream of consciousness in an effort to clear the anger brewing in my head. They say anger causes illness (once again) so I’m going to let it loose. Feel free to release your anger any time. I’ll listen. I will.

Last week, while Zach was on Spring break, I thought it would be a good idea to get him a checking account and debit card now that he’s almost sixteen (wow, how did that happen so fast?). Prior to this he had a debit card through a service called Visa Buxx at www.payjr.com. If you’ve never heard of this check it out if you have kids. It’s pretty cool and a great way to track your child’s allowance, chores, homework and teach them about responsibility, money and spending. Zach has loved it, but I thought it would be a good time for him to learn to use the bank now. Zach has high functioning autism. For him this means his greatest strength is math and is currently doing trigonometry and getting A’s, yet only reads at about a fourth grade level. His social skills are his biggest weakness and he is socially awkward, has never had a friend, and rarely makes direct eye contact unless he knows the person very well. He is kind and compassionate though, and well-liked. He finds social situations very uncomfortable and a cause for much anxiety, and has difficulty expressing himself.

I took Zach to the bank in spite of his protests. The reward of lunch out, which included french fries, helped me win this battle. We waited an hour to be seen, which was an anxious hour for Zach. We then spent another hour with the “bank princess” (aka clerk who opens new accounts) while she tried to figure out just how to set up an account. She’s pretty, thin, well-dressed and poised, and highly inept at her job. Poor little thing needed to call her manager in to her office a few times and go “check on something” a few more times. She got my email wrong and a number of other critical items necessary for online banking. She assured me this was no problem, she couldn’t change it in her computer, but I would easily be able to make the changes from home. I got to go home and spend an hour on the phone with the “800” number to get things straightened out. Mission accomplished—until yesterday when I got the mail and found out the account is all still wrong.

I’m no stranger to making a scene; after all I’ve raised five children, some with visible disabilities that made us a side show for reasons I won’t discuss now (that’s another blog, another day). Usually I like to avoid conflict at all cost, but yesterday there I was,  irritated and frustrated, and letting the woman who cheerfully greets me at the bank door know all about it. This mistake of theirs required I make two trips to the bank again yesterday and one more today, more papers to be signed and a “special” form which I have no idea of its meaning. I don’t care for the bank princess, and although I usually shy away from saying what I’m thinking I felt it necessary to share my feelings about the service I received with her and her manager (since we were getting to know each other so well). I forgot to mention the most annoying thing about spending so much quality time with her yesterday. Every time she entered something into the computer, waiting for the computer to respond, she clucked like a duck. Perhaps the awkward moments we spent in silence in a small room, each wishing we were doing anything but what we were doing? I don’t know. Up until this point I was unsure why she got a corner office with a door!

Today I dropped off the final signed forms, Zach received his debit card, and I’ve yet to find out if we are still locked out of his account online. I just couldn’t face checking on that today. After we activated his debit card, Zach anxiously slid the card into his wallet, next to his state ID, and is already planning his next video game purchase. Seeing his identification card reminded me we have to visit the division of motor vehicles to update his picture and address. I’m gathering my strength to face the disgruntled government workers. I’ll save that for next week.

I’m posting this two days after it happened, which was right before the event in my previous blog, and just after the event in the next blog. Did I mention all the caregivers here (aka my husband and I) have been sick all week and now it’s starting to make its way to the kids? Can I use that as an excuse for my impatience with frustrating situations and people this week? Probably not; it’s just me again, trying to express!

~Pam

You Want a Piece of Me?

Sometimes as parents we just don’t know what to do. Today is one of those days. The last week has been one of those weeks. Actually this past year has been one of those years. Who am I kidding? I’ve really never known what to do. I did the best I knew how most times, and sometimes I didn’t even do the best I could. I was too exhausted, too warn out and sometimes took the easy way out by letting the kids have their way. It happens. I am going to be posting a few short blogs to ease the load or overload of frustration and anger building inside me. I hear anger causes illness and disease and who wants those things, right? Stick with me through this (or don’t if you’re a person who can only hear positive things). These blogs are real. I’m not perfect, you’re not perfect and we WILL survive this stuff, even in spite of the blame and judgment directed our way by others, or more importantly ourselves.

I picked the girls up at their day program today as usual. You may need a little background here to understand. My daughters, Hannah and Melissa, attend a day program for adults with special needs. For those who haven’t had the opportunity to get to know Hannah she is dynamite packed into a four-and-a-half-foot, eighty pound package at age twenty-six. She looks so darn sweet and innocent and then when you’re least expecting it she goes in for the attack. She grabs clothing, pulls hair, scratches, head bumps or grabs and throws glasses off unsuspecting victims.  I mean this with a sense of humor, but it’s anything but funny if you are on the receiving end. I have never been on the receiving end, but lots of innocent folks have been. When asked what I do about it I don’t have an answer because she doesn’t do this to me. I don’t understand this behavior, can’t seem to find a trigger, a reason or a way to stop it, and it comes on quickly and goes away just as fast.  

When I picked up the girls today I got into a conversation with Melissa’s aid and for a moment let Hannah slip out of my view. There was someone else picking up a client from the program at the same time and apparently Hannah grabbed her clothing. She didn’t hurt her, but the woman was obviously angry. I really hate these awkward moments, when my child has done something which seems so blatantly and intentionally planned and cruel. I asked if Hannah got her and the response from the woman was first directed at me with anger, then at Hannah. She put up her fists to Hannah and said, “You want a piece of me?” She was not kidding. Well, maybe she was kidding about the actual brawl, but she was visibly angry. I don’t blame her, but I didn’t like it either. I apologized repeatedly, but as I walked away I visualized myself rolling up my sleeves and going back over to her and asking her the same question she asked my daughter. Then I took a deep breath, walked on, loaded the girls into the van and went home.

I don’t really expect people to understand, especially things I don’t understand myself. It’s a frustration that will likely be with me forever. It doesn’t feel good to be the one blamed for her behavior but how can I not feel responsible in some way? As her mom, I would like to be able to stop it, explain it, or make it go away. I would also like to find out why she does these things so I could relieve whatever it is inside of her that causes her to lash out. For all the pain she causes others, there may be pain inside of her, physical or emotional, I don’t know about. There is certainly a history of which I will never know because she is adopted, some of which includes abuse and neglect. Is this the reason for her behavior? Is it physical pain? Is she trying to tell me something? I don’t know. There is no conclusion to this blog. It’s just me, once again, trying to express…   

~Pam

Seeking Balance

When you hear the word ”balance” what comes to mind?  I think of things such as walking a tightrope, doing a handspring then back flip on a balance beam (I’m a former gymnast wannabe), stacking blocks with a child, or learning to ride a bike. Those creatively stacked sculptures made with rocks perched against each other just so perfectly,  held together without any structural reinforcement also enter my mind. I visualize eating mostly healthy foods with a side of chocolate, ice cream or some other delicious dessert every now and then. I envision certain yoga poses which require great concentration, stability, steadiness and an intentional connection between body and mind. This is also what I imagine balance in life to look like; that harmonious connection between body, mind and spirit.

Finding balance seems to be one of life’s challenges for many of us, or perhaps I should just say for me, as I can’t really speak for anyone else. I wrote awhile back about taking a break from writing, social networking and socializing to seek balance in my life and discover, rediscover or create missing pieces that would help me define and create wholeness. Through my search for healing and harmony in my life I found I was very much out of sync in many areas. I couldn’t find that balance between family, friends, education, career, emotions, creating a home, my desire to help others, caring for myself and my health, and trying to be everything to everyone. I was forcing rather than allowing, speaking rather than listening, and not being true to what I knew deep inside to be the truth. In trying to find balance I’ve discovered my life is much like a puzzle with various pieces put in place, while others remain to be discovered and placed in their chosen space which is waiting to be filled.

All of us are puzzles, created with different pieces whose shapes support, embrace, intertwine and sustain each other completing a perfect picture of our life and purpose. Sometimes we don’t feel as though all those pieces are in place, or perhaps one is missing or broken, out of place or not yet revealed. I’ve certainly lived a life of jumbled puzzle pieces, slowly allowing others to put together the puzzle for me. During this self-healing journey I’ve been traveling I’ve come to realize it is I who needs to create that finished product, placing each piece in its appropriate place mindfully, consciously, willingly and lovingly. It also means embracing the unknown, and trusting divine wisdom and order are present to guide me. This remains a work in progress.

Here are a few things I’ve come to embrace. Finding balance is one of the steps to finding wholeness. Admit you don’t know all the answers. Resist the need to argue your point. Allow yourself to feel all emotions (especially those that don’t feel so good) so that you may release rather than hold on to them. Showing kindness, having compassion and learning to give and receive are interrelated. Do not judge. Expect surprises and miracles. Accept that change sometimes comes slowly, and opportunities for growth will continue to reappear if you miss them the first (or twentieth) time around. Listening to your heart is wise, and may prevent you from having to experience the same lesson multiple times. Your heart may whisper or scream but don’t ignore it, for it is your own personal life coach and a priceless gift. I’m not really as tough as I thought and I need the support of other people. I am also stronger than I thought and have the ability to make choices that serve my highest good as well as the good of others around me. Letting go of something you never thought you could do without, as well as letting go of control are both liberating. Always be grateful. Believe in yourself. Have faith and hope, and give and accept unconditional love.

Finding balance; there’s no special formula, no effortless way, no special glue to hold the pieces in place, no simple secret to be exposed. It’s about quieting your mind, listening to your heart, finding that inner space that allows you to just be, releasing, reinventing, discovering, and finding what works for you, your life, and your situation. If you’re walking this path along with me, seeking balance, harmony and wholeness, I wish you a peaceful journey. I’ve found it quite enlightening. Check out this inspirational video of one man’s idea of balance. Enjoy… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RHMEWxZjvnI

With love and light, Pam